Episode Transcript
[00:00:05] Speaker A: I'm getting such a strong reaction to my I've been thinkin's that I feel emboldened enough to dump three and a half minutes worth of them on you unsuspecting podcast listeners right off the bat.
But first, here's what used to be a staple and has become, geez, an afterthought. I rarely blog anymore.
There was a time I blogged like a maniac for or five times a week, each one at least 700 words long. But I earned squat for them. So now I get paid squat for writing books, which, as squat goes, is much more prestigious.
I enjoyed blogging and posting more than 2,200 items from 2008 to 2020, when the output dipped from about 248 to 31 in their respective years.
Someone once asked me what's the longest I'd ever gone without blogging. I said it was 45 years from 1963 through 2008.
I was born in 1963.
I know people still browse them. Binge might even be a better word.
Anyway, here it is. My blog about the Iranian women's soccer team and the real reason they sought overseas asylum. The truth is, their anthem blows
[00:01:16] Speaker B: A
[00:01:16] Speaker A: knee jerk reaction to 5 Iranian women's soccer players who were granted asylum in Australia is that they would be persecuted for not singing the Iranian national anthem. I think with more nuance, like maybe the song just sucks. These women must be enlightened by Iranian standards at least. Did you know Iranian women have enjoyed voting rights since 1963?
I did not know that.
I have to figure they're really bad at voting because they keep picking the exact same angry bearded white men over and over and over. The Iranian national anthem was composed by Saeed Bagheeri, 57. He was 19 when he wrote Son of the east and is today a political science professor in Tehran. Assuming he survived the onslaught of the previous 15 days, here are some sample lyrics. Keep in mind, he was 19 when he wrote this.
Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking when we think of those East End lights, muggy nights, the curtains drawn in the little room downstairs Prima donna alla, you really should have been there Sitting like a princess perched in her electric chair and it's one more beer and I don't hear you
[00:02:41] Speaker B: anymore.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: Yes, we've all gone crazy lately, haven't we?
That was a mistake. That was not. The Iranian national anthem is not Elton John's Someone Saved My Life Tonight.
Or maybe it is. In fact, I saw articles that say Iran has four national anthems. You'd think they could trade in a couple of them for one leader who didn't interpret obscure passages in holy texts as a license to kill.
But having four sort of tracts is an idea I've pushed for for years now.
Change the national anthem to reflect the governing posture of the current potus, Barack Obama. Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?
Why can't we be friends?
Guess what the next line is?
That's right. It's why can't we be friends?
By a band ironically beseeching friendship with the band named War Joe Biden.
All I have to do is Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream, Dream by the Everly Brothers.
Our national anthem is 224 years old. That sounds ancient, but it can't hold a candle to the Wilhelmus, the world's oldest national anthem. They've been belting that one out in the Netherlands since 1578.
I didn't realize anyone started singing out loud until the 1950s.
It's like John Lennon said when he was asked about singers like Bing Crosby.
Before Elvis, there was nothing.
I'm a student of national anthems and from around the world and the quirky customs they instigate.
We can learn a lot about our fellow earthlings by studying the songs that inspire and unite them. That's why I'm proposing United Nations. Clear some auditorium space and prepare to host a talent competition where pop stars from countries around the world sing their national anthems and relate just how close they come to the ideals espoused by their most patriotic songs.
We could bring back my all time favorite panel of celebrity judges, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson and have them heckle as the hapless artists as they defend their anthems and the contributions their nations have made to the greater good.
It's too controversial for me to suggest a singer who won't be divisive. But few here will argue with me that the song that most captures the zeitgeist of the Trump administration is by Queen from 1977.
Yes, I'm proposing our national anthem, for the time being at least, should be We Will, We Will Rock youk.
We will, we will rock you.
It's combative, declarative, and it's so in your face when you turn the other cheek, it headbutts you right between the eyes.
Sing it with me. We will, we will rock you.
I just pray that one day we all wake up and realize that all the deadly rocking has suddenly stopped.
In a car, when I want you to keep your eyes open and pull over to the side.
In each one of these items, there's a different background. Could be up at our house, or it could be in the bar, one of the three bars here at the Tin Lizzie. Or I could have a beard in some and then no beard in the other. And see if you see anything there you like. If you like these, you'll. You'll like that.
Here you go.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Sometimes, just for the fun of it, I like to find a house that has a welcome back, go on in, sit on the couch, grab the remote and ask the owner to bring me a beer.
Colorful people understand that if spring is when Mother Nature puts on her makeup, fall is when she begins climbing back into her coffin.
I refuse to get swept up in cynicism. I believe our best days are ahead of us. The arts will flourish, injustice and poverty will be vanquished. There will still be conflict, but our wars will be fought with farts. A wise man thinks long and hard
[00:07:03] Speaker A: before accepting an offer of oral sex
[00:07:05] Speaker B: from a hungry cannibal.
Hi, I'm Chris and I still have free range chicken brain. I'm thinking of holding a telethon. Not for people who have it, for people who don't.
I used to think it was called the Holy Land because many sacred things happen there. But I watch the news these days and I think it's because there's holes in everything. There's holes in the schools, holes in the hospitals, holes in the synagogues.
Holy shit.
I admire vegans and vegetarians, but the chances of me giving up meat are about the same as me resuming my virginity.
Mick Jagger's 40 year old love letters recently went up for sale. Colorful people were hoping they would be purchased by Keith Richards, who would then get shitfaced and host a dramatic reading.
How many spiritual crises of faith must a seeker endure before he or she becomes a born again atheist? People worry about a wider war breaking out in the Middle East. I worry about Canada and Greenland teaming up to swarm the border up in North Dakota when no one's watching.
Robert Louis Stevenson wrote two of the most monumental books of all time, Treasure island and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But to me, the best thing he's written wasn't a book, but it was a single sentence. He said, there is no duty we so underrate as our duty to be happy.
I'm Chris and I've been thinking.
I'm Chris and I've been thinking.
I guess because no one else wants the gig, anytime I hear anyone say the cooler heads will prevail, I'M always hoping the cooler head is Olaf the Snowman from Frozen.
Now he's got a really cool head.
I'm on my way to Greater Latrobe High School to talk to students about what it's like to be a writer and and wondering how much time the kid I used to be would spend mocking the man he's destined to become.
Tell friends you'd like to be a fly on the wall the next time flies on the wall gather to discuss why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall.
I'm gonna spend the rest of the day concocting a story about an unscrupulous masseuse who gets charged with armed rubbery.
Many people say their greatest fear is dying alone. My greatest fear is dying in a room crowded with so many friends and loved ones I'll be unable to watch the final round of the Masters.
They say that Bose speaker, that little green thing over my right shoulder is the sonic equivalent to 50 of the old ones that the Rolling Stones and the who used to carry around on the rock shows back in the early 70s.
You know what I'm thinking of doing? Buying 49 more of these little Bose speakers. That's how much I enjoy it. Does anyone think that's a good idea?
I knew you'd say that. I knew you'd say yeah.
I'm Chris and I've been thinking it's a full time job.
[00:10:00] Speaker A: That's all for today. Thanks for checking in. I'll try and have more for you next week and we'll refine it according to your feedback. I welcome that. Thanks and share with friends and do all that good stuff. Have a great weekend.
