Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Hi, I'm Chris Rodell.
[00:00:06] Still Chris Rodell.
[00:00:07] Now, where were we? Oh, that's right.
[00:00:10] The focus of today's post is Christmas jokes and my favorite Christmas story of all time, a case of mistaken Identity Story so sweet I included in two of my 12 books.
[00:00:20] We'll get to the Christmas stuff in a second, but first, the Filthy tweet of the week.
[00:00:25] This never used to be a category of mine. My tweets are all wholesome and fresh faced. Nothing salacious, nothing racy. Just innocuous posts about crayons, puppies and a harmless fart or two.
[00:00:37] I guess I snapped. I started crafting posts involving sex, raunchy adult topics, and we all had a fine time. But I realized I was going too far when I came up with a tweet that was so racy and good it knocked me out of commission.
[00:00:49] It was this.
[00:00:51] A wise man thinks long and hard before accepting oral sex from a hungry cannibal.
[00:00:56] See? It has it all. There's romance, drama, hunger, and a passion so consuming even an intellectual must wrestle with the outcome.
[00:01:04] It's gotten so bad I even took to including de facto parental warning stickers on it.
[00:01:10] I'm being totally serious when I say I appreciate it if you cease reading them right now because it's so graphic. I wish it had never come to me.
[00:01:18] This one is coarse, juvenile, insensitive, etc. But I find it impossible to self censor to post, so I must.
[00:01:25] Don't say I didn't warn you.
[00:01:28] Here goes.
[00:01:29] A man never forgets the woman who favors him with oral intimacy. The memory is indelible. It's like it gets stuck in his head the moment she lets him stick it in hers.
[00:01:41] I posted it, but took it down after about two minutes.
[00:01:44] What good would posting that line, funny but not immortal, do me in the long run? Short run even so, I intend to bury it in the year end wrap up. In the meantime, I'll strive to come up with more gems like this old one.
[00:01:57] Be so @ peace with the world. The only thing you have left to get off your chest are your nipples.
[00:02:12] Now, where were we? That's right, Christmas jokes.
[00:02:15] Knock knock. Who's there?
[00:02:17] Javier.
[00:02:19] Javier who?
[00:02:20] Javier Self. A Merry Little Christmas.
[00:02:31] This is my favorite Christmas story. This happened exactly the way I wrote it. It only took me about 30 minutes to write. Back in 09, I was so pleased with it, I chose to include it on one of my 33 essays in the Crayons book and also in the Undaunted Optimist book.
[00:02:46] Here goes.
[00:02:47] I had my standoffish Sunday morning face on. I hadn't showered and didn't want any human contact other than the six or so words I'll exchange with the clerk where I buy gas.
[00:02:57] I finished pumping, crossed the parking lot and pulled open the door to the local Sheetz Convenient Martin.
[00:03:03] It was like I walked into a one man surprise party and I was the guest of honor.
[00:03:08] Bill. Hey Bill. Man, is it good to see you.
[00:03:12] I looked around. I was all alone.
[00:03:14] I was Bill now. Careful readers of this blog know I'm not Bill and have never pretended to be Bill.
[00:03:21] But the elderly stranger who thought I was Bill was thrilled to see someone he was convinced was Bill.
[00:03:27] He was in his late 60s, probably. He had a very kind face that was enlivened by seeing someone he thought was an old friend.
[00:03:34] He had his fist salute extended and was waiting for me to bump knuckles.
[00:03:39] I realized I was in a common social predicament. He'd confused me with a good friend.
[00:03:44] He looked coherent, but who knows? Maybe he's one of our numerous village idiots.
[00:03:48] I'm friends with most of them, but they are accumulating like snowflakes these days and it's difficult to keep track of them all.
[00:03:55] What was I to do?
[00:03:57] Well, I raised my fist, gave my warmest buddy buddy greeting, and said, hey, how the hell you been? You look great.
[00:04:03] And he did.
[00:04:05] He looked like I look when I'm driving down the road near John Fogarty and Creedon singing do do do looking out my back door.
[00:04:13] He was delighted.
[00:04:15] My still slumbering mind was racing through dozens of calculations. What was the risk here?
[00:04:20] Should I let him down gently or play along?
[00:04:23] What if the real Bill walked in?
[00:04:25] You can converse with a stranger for about 90 seconds of generic conversation involving some form of the question how are you?
[00:04:33] Then the gentleman upped the ante. He wanted to know how Bonnie was doing.
[00:04:37] We'd reached a turning point. I was left with a choice of either backing down and perhaps ruining the splendid start to his day, or pushing another stack of lies to the center of the table.
[00:04:48] She's doing great. Just finished all her Christmas shopping. Her mom slipped on the snow last week, but she'll be alright. He was sorry to hear that. He asked me how work was going, allowing me the opportunity to venture into a rare burst of honesty.
[00:05:01] It's been slow, but things are turning around. I'm optimistic. Better days are on the way.
[00:05:07] The guy at the counter was buying lottery tickets and the other clerk was fetching change.
[00:05:12] My hire wire act Couldn't endure forever.
[00:05:14] Come on, let's get those registers ringing.
[00:05:17] And how about Mark? How's he doing?
[00:05:19] He was a family guy, so I figured. Mark was my son. I know kids today have their problems, but it wasn't. It was the holidays. I wasn't going to ruin his day by telling him. Mark is in rehab.
[00:05:29] He's great. He's up at Clarion University. He wants to be a veterinarian.
[00:05:33] This pleased him. He had fond memories of Mark.
[00:05:37] The guy at the counter was putting his change in his wallet and I was hoping Bonnie and I didn't have any more kids.
[00:05:43] Finally, it was his turn to pay. Just as the other clerk stepped up at just about the same time, we both realized our little holiday was over.
[00:05:52] We looked each other in the eye, put our right arms around the other's left shoulders for brief man hugs. It was a beautiful moment.
[00:06:01] We wished each other a merry Christmas. And I told him I'd be sure to tell Bonnie he'd said hello.
[00:06:06] It reminded me of the final scene of the great 1995 movie Smoke, in which the Harvey Keitel character tells the William Hurt character about an encounter he had with an elderly black woman who was blind and thought he was her nephew. He wound up staying for dinner.
[00:06:24] Hurt thinks he made it all up. But as the credits roll, they show the scene he recalled as the Tom Waits song Innocent when youn Dream plays.
[00:06:32] It's magnificent.
[00:06:34] I thought about the right and the wrong of what I'd done. As I drove home, I told a slew of lies to a kind hearted gentleman who may one day wind up very confused next time out where he sees Bill or Bonnie getting gas.
[00:06:47] But I think my bigger sin was not in the lies.
[00:06:49] It was in the size of them.
[00:06:52] They were all too small.
[00:06:55] I should have told him our bowling league won the championship, our bowling team won the championship, that Bonnie had a book of poems published, her mom won the state lottery, and that Mark was studying to be an astronaut.
[00:07:08] I should have told him they discovered a cure for cancer, the wars were all over.
[00:07:12] They discovered a way to fax leftovers to the hungry.
[00:07:16] I should have told him that this Christmas everything was going to be all right.
[00:07:20] Because really, that's what he wanted to hear.
[00:07:23] It's what we all want to hear.
[00:07:25] I hope even a fraction of that happens.
[00:07:29] And I hope Bill, Bonnie and Mark have a wonderful Christmas and Mark doesn't ruin the holiday by drinking too much.
[00:07:39] Christmas joke.
[00:07:40] What should they call those of us who prefer real live Christmas trees to artificials?
[00:07:45] Saps get it? Trees are sapphire. I wonder if it ever bothered Jesus his birthday was the same day as Christmas.
[00:08:02] What does it mean when you hear hoot, hoot in the trees this time of year I'll be home for Christmas.
[00:08:16] I was gonna stop there, but I found another one I'd like to include Before Christmas is Over.
[00:08:20] It's about Paul McCartney's Christmas song simply having a Wonderful Time Wonderful Christmas Time.
[00:08:27] Here goes.
[00:08:28] A 1979 song Paul McCartney wrote in one afternoon will again earn him more than $500,000 this year, for a cumulative total of more than 15 million.
[00:08:40] Yes, for sir Paul, it's always a wonderful Christmas time.
[00:08:43] By contrast, this will be the 1542nd blog post I've written since 2007, a steadfast tally that's earned me exactly $102 in support of donations.
[00:08:55] Wonderful Christmas Time is a controversial song around the Rodell family dinner table. And if that statement has you concluding dinner conversation at my table isn't exactly a Bill Maher roundtable, you're correct.
[00:09:07] It's usually just the four of us sitting around listening to Christmas music, discussing our days and trying to guess who it was that just farted.
[00:09:15] I'm kidding. I'm the only one who farts us at the dinner table.
[00:09:19] But conversation always gets pointed when McCartney's wonderful Christmas time comes on.
[00:09:24] I find it pleasant enough, but Val hates it, and she says that nearly every time it comes on. I hate this song, she says. It's just so annoying.
[00:09:33] I don't love it. But I always admonish her for her viciousness towards something so innocuous as a little Christmas ditty. I save my hate for what is true evil things like isis, injustice, and Roger Goodell.
[00:09:46] It is surprising to me how some songs about our most joyful holiday can be so divisive.
[00:09:51] The Wikipedia entry on the song says many consider it one of Paul's poorest compositions and quotes Beatle author Robert Rodriguez is saying, love it or hate it. Few songs within the McCartney auvieur have provoked such strong reaction.
[00:10:06] Come on, it's a Christmas song.
[00:10:11] If we as a people allow Christmas carols to divide us, how will we ever remain united? And when we decide as a nation, on some distant day that maybe, maybe it's time to thoughtfully and with open minds discuss things like how to decrease gun violence.
[00:10:25] Even if you don't like the melody, there's much to admire about the song.
[00:10:30] It's catchy, it's simple, its runtime does not exceed four minutes.
[00:10:35] The lyrics include ding dong Ding dong ding dong dong ding dong and Oo oo oo Toot toot toot toot toot toot.
[00:10:47] Here's something you probably didn't know. The track personnel is listed as follows. Vocals, Paul McCartney. Guitar, Paul McCartney. Bass, Paul McCartney. Keyboards, Paul McCartney. Drums, Tony Blair. No, I'm kidding. It's Paul McCartney. Percussion, Paul McCartney.
[00:11:04] I guess Paul McCartney worried just calling the Paul McCartney band would come across as a little bit too pretentious.
[00:11:10] I love Paul. He's my second favorite Beatle behind George. And while I wish no one ill, I wish ill on no one. I hope for the sake of our collective cool, we never reference refer to Ringo as the last surviving Beetle.
[00:11:24] Hey Jude, Yesterday, Let It Be, Live and Let Die.
[00:11:27] Paul's songs are indelible.
[00:11:29] He's reportedly worth in excess of $1.3 billion, which is just shy of the gross national product of the nation of Guam, population 165,124.
[00:11:42] And geez. A 15 million dollar drop in the bucket comes from a song many tasteful listeners despise.
[00:11:48] A throwaway. He probably took him less time to write than it takes me to sort through the weekly recyclables.
[00:11:54] In fact, I probably took more care in crafting this stupid little Monday morning blog than the great Sir Paul did his entire composition of Wonderful Summer Christmas Time.
[00:12:03] For that he gets 15 million and I get squat.
[00:12:07] No dough, no recognition.
[00:12:09] My wife's right. That song is just so fucking annoying.
[00:12:20] I wonder if it ever bothered Jesus that his birthday was the same day as Christmas.
[00:12:27] And last, I'm going to hire a dozen tiny toy makers, give them long black sideburns and teach them how to sing Hound Dog in the Ghetto and Blue Suede Shoes.
[00:12:38] Then I'm taking them straight to Vegas where I'll book them for three shows a night at the Sands.
[00:12:43] Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Elves Presley.
[00:12:50] If I don't see you this week, have a merry Christmas. I hope it's a great one for you and your loved ones.
[00:12:55] We'll try and do our best here to make it where we can for all we know.
[00:13:03] Bye.
